Loving my emotions

What is your heart telling you this year?

One of my highlights this year is how my heart (emotion) boldly made its presence felt. Months ago, I was watching a Korean movie “Dogs day” on a flight. I felt very moved by the story and for the characters in the story. I felt my grief too. I allowed my feelings to feel and myself to cry and be soothed. I turned to my friend seated beside me and acknowledged for the first time, “I am a very emotional person, and I like it!”

I always see my emotions as strengths and appreciate them as gift from God, especially how they show up at work. They help me feel and empathize with my clients and intuitively guide me in journeying with their experiences. But being an emotional person is not something one would flaunt or be proud of. Maybe subconsciously, I have not loved and liked this feeling part of me enough. I did not think it would help me as much as I think it would help my clients.

What if being emotionally sensitive and attuned is a gift for me to benefit too? What if the needs of my emotions are not merely to be regulated or cared for? What if it is an active agent working in me to bring about happiness and wisdom, and create a better world for myself?

I decided to use my gift of emotions for myself, and not just for others. For me, this involves actively welcoming and engaging with my heart. This is not always a safe and smooth process. As I begin to more intentionally feel my emotions, I began to feel a loneliness that was not familiar. It felt uneasy. Despite that, I stayed with the discomfort, remained curious about the unknown and waited. I could not make sense. I have a close knitted family, an inner circle of close friends and a vocation that fits so well. Was I not contented? Was I too greedy? My heart then assured me that I was not. There was something valid about my feelings.

Then came a day when I faced my loneliness more vulnerably and heard its pain. Naming it as a pain made it sound serious. But it is a pain. Though different in degrees, each of us has experienced and felt the pangs of our own emotions. It hurts regardless of how we try to normalise or minimise it. Only when I named and felt the pain of the loneliness, I understood it more. What my heart revealed to me is too personal to share here. But I will share one part of my journey. I realised the needs of my connectedness strengths (CliftonStrengths) were unmet. It is in my DNA to want to be a part of something bigger than myself. A space where I feel a sense of belonging to a community and a sense of greater purpose. While I have been blessed by some communities, others have failed me or fallen short. Being part of a community is not always easy or safe. But I am going to try again. I will allow my heart to guide me and trust its wisdom and resilience.

Writing this is also an expression of my connectedness needs. In sharing my relationship with emotions, I hope to encourage you to do the same for your heart. I invite you to feel and give a voice to your emotions. Maybe your emotions need your understanding, validation, empathy and love. Maybe being aware and appreciative of your emotions will guide you to actions that you can take towards health and happiness.

For me, I learnt that if I love my emotions, I want to care for it more extravagantly. Deep in my soul, I long to relate more intimately with my heart. I wonder what may blossom from there.

Grief and Gifts

It has been 5 years since my father passed away. I still miss my papa very much. As I was making plan for our family Christmas dinner, my heart longed for his presence at our family party. My brother used to organize games and my father would participate sportingly and enjoy the play! I miss playing with him and watch him having fun. And he would be so appreciative of the gift I bought him.

Recently, on my way to visit my mum, I smiled as I looked at the bag I carried, the sandals I wore and the watch on my hand - these were all gifted by my father. I felt comforted and loved. I like the way my father is present with me through his gifts.

The gift he left behind, though a small sum, yields interest that I could use to buy myself gifts for my birthday or Christmas. Gifts are not even my top love language, thus I am surprised how precious his gifts are to me. And how assuring to have a lifetime supply of gifts from my papa. 

These are some of what I have purchased in the past years - books, tea leaves, soap, windbreaker, hat, sandals, bag, shoes. This year, I bought a watch for my birthday.

This is how I accompany my grief and how I allow my papa’s love to accompany me though he is physically no longer with me.

Yesterday at our Christmas gathering, our family chatted about MBTI and we tried to guess papa's MBTI type. It felt really nice to still remember and talk about our father. There is a tinge of sadness, accompanied by the warmth of remembering him with my family. 

This is part of grieving. We feel, remember and love. As we keep doing this, the pain of grief will get lighter but the strength of love will remain. Grieve alone and grieve with your loved ones.

This Christmas season, are you missing someone who may not be with you anymore? You miss because you love and are loved.  Let your heart remember. Feel the missing, feel the love.

Blessed Christmas 🎄

My Story of Saying “No”

I have gleaned precious lessons from saying “no” to seemingly good things in my vocational journey. The experience of saying “no” forged my vocational clarity and direction.  It has shaped my vocational direction significantly and for the better. It started with saying “no” to being promoted to a managerial position.

I was in my late 20s. I stood in to be an acting centre manager for a year. I was reluctant initially, but relented in view of the centre’s need and my wonderful team of colleagues, whom I felt compelled to take care then. Looking back, it was an eventful, stressful and meaningful year packed with rich learnings and memorable moments. At the end of the year, I was offered to continue the managerial role but I said “no”. This was my first “no”. Soon after, I was introduced to CliftonStrengths by a friend. I remembered asking her at a lunch chat, “why did I not like being a manager though I was given feedback that I did a good job?” Looking at my top 5 strengths then, she was not surprised. She highlighted how my responsibility strength has shown up actively and how my other relationship building and executing strengths helped me grow into the role. However, the managerial role also sapped my energy and drained the greater joy I used to derive as a direct practitioner. I discovered how my other strengths would feel more alive as a counsellor than as a manager. 

You know what? After I am convinced it is ok to say no, I got better at saying no thereafter.

Fast forward a few years, at another centre, I was offered a promotion to the position of a centre manager. This time, I was clearer and the conviction felt so good! At that season, my love for counselling work has also grown. I felt my heart’s call to direct counselling work was so anchored that I wouldn’t want to trade anything else for it. I remembered the executive director and chairman even negotiated, “what if you could still keep 30% of client work?” to which I responded, “I am greedy, 30% would not be enough for me.” 

Looking back, while I was privileged to be offered the progression at least twice in my career, what I learnt from this is also that our employers and bosses do not always know best. Their priority was to fill in the needs of the organisation. They may evaluate that I am able to fill in the role but they actually do not know me and where I may be at my best. Sadly, staff development in most organisations, as much as it may start with good intention, the implementation and practice of which may not always be customised to individual staff. Reflecting on this, I felt a bittersweet feeling. I felt compassion for myself - that I have come a long way, fought hard and made sacrifices to pursue my own growth and development. The journey had not always been easy and certainly not always fair. The distinction between clinical path and management was not so developed then, and often opportunities were given to those progressing in the management roles.

I recalled how a colleague was offered a counselling course though she did not even like counselling. I noticed how several colleagues in the field were given opportunity and funding to pursue therapy related study despite their non-clinical portfolio. In the end, what they ended up doing may not tap on the therapy related skills and knowledge. In contrast, I had to proactively seek out my training and development needs. Looking back, how I wished there were someone who knew my strengths and inclinations and cared to develop me. Perhaps then, the journey would be less hard than it had been. 

At the same time, I felt a sense of relief! Had I not taken this harder path and pursued my own learning and development, imagine how lost and unfulfilled I would be now. I might gain an impressive curriculum vitae but it would be hollow. I am proud of myself being able to navigate the field, staying focused on who I am rather than what the world needs more of me to become for them. The world’s expectations, needs and social norms would always exert pressures on you. But you can choose to remain centred and not be pulled in. You can take charge of your own development, guided by who you are, what you like and how you would like to develop. That’s how you would experience vocational fulfilment and joy. 

Pursuing what I love doing has been so rewarding. It might seem like I had chosen the “lesser path”, given up financial and career progression, but I have not once regretted. It has been so worthwhile! It was the best choice I have made, saying “no” to what seems good so I could pursue something that is the best for me and for whom I serve. I invite you to do the same. And if you are a supervisor or a boss, would you offer that customised approach to know your staff’s strengths and help them reach their best version of themselves according to their design and strengths. 

What about you?

Do you need to say “yes” or “no” but feeling unsure? 

If you are at a crossroad and have to make a choice, remember to choose you. You are made with your unique blend of strengths. Use them so you would feel happier and offer the best version of who you are at work and at home.

Invitation 

CliftonStrengths is a powerful assessment tool to know your strengths so you can be more of who you are. I have experienced it to be a personalised way to help one make choices in life. 

If you would like a conversation with me as your strengths coach or therapist, feel free to contact me for an appointment. To know more about me and what I do, visit  www.counsellingwithgrace.sg.

Discovering Your Strengths - what difference would it make for you?

 “You cannot be anything you want to be – but you can be a lot more of who you already are.” – Tom Rath

Have you ever wondered what are your strengths and what difference would it make for you? 

It made a big difference for me. My relationship with CliftonStrengths goes back to more than 15 years ago. Then, a friend introduced me to a book “Go Put Your Strengths To Work” that led me to do the StrengthsFinder (now known as CliftonStrengths) assessment. I experienced a new paradigm shift and learnt a whole new language on strengths. I have always been taught to try harder and to grow in my areas of weaknesses. That’s what I did. I put myself through different learning curves to close the “competency gaps” and strived to do my best. My work was affirmed. But inside me did not feel right. I realised that I could be doing a good job but that does not mean the job was right and good for me. The new insight was liberating. It freed me to say no to what is good but does not fit me, and to make choices of work portfolios that would leverage on my strengths and motivation. This marked the new beginning of my journey to invest and grow in my strengths.

In the early years, long before I was a certified Strengths coach, I was actively introducing CliftonStrengths and running informal group sessions to help my friends learn this new strengths language. And it made a difference for my friends. It was rewarding to see how my friends discovered their strengths and how through that process made a difference to their work. Some realised that they need not leave their profession but only need to find a suitable sub-specialty or industry where their strengths could be better applied and flourish. Others discovered that while their strengths fit well, they need to watch out for the blind spots of their strengths by taming and maturing their strengths. That would then enable them to play to the full potential of their strengths in their vocation.

The language of strengths is empowering and compassionate. It gives word to what you might not even realise are strengths within you. When your strength has a name, you will experience how you are able to call it out and activate it in your life – relationally and vocationally. It is like an inner compass that leads you to live out who you truly are and guides you to make choices that offer your best self to the world. As a strength coach, I help you navigate using your internal strengths map. The process of strengths coaching will help you own and see the power of your strengths and points you in the direction of how you could invest, develop and maximise your strengths. And because your strengths are strengths, they are valuable. I will work with you to compassionately care for your strengths by managing their blind spots - trimming the raw edges so you could shine.

This is why I love strengths coaching. It was life changing for me in my vocational crossroads. I have seen how it made a difference for my friends. Through my private practice as a strengths coach, I am affirmed once again that strengths coaching made a difference for my clients. What better ways to share that than in their own words:

“I was in a dilemma in deciding my career path when I was introduced to Grace to explore how my strengths can provide some insight and set some direction for me. The session with Grace proved to be intellectually stimulating, invigorating and extremely informative. She was able to pick up my conundrum which goes beyond the immediate concern of career path but also in terms of the next phase of my life. I appreciate her calm and confident demeanour to understand me and guide me towards further exploration and appreciate my strengths in a refreshing way. Her suggestions and sharp wit also offered me further scope of reflection and ponderance. I left the session with a sense of being validated with new insights to decide my next course of action. She is an amazing strengths coach whom I give 6 stars out of 5!”              - Alexis, 37


“I’ve done the CliftonStrengths assessment 3 times, but it was only recently that I did the CliftonStrengths34 assessment along with a coaching session with Grace.  I would describe the session as extremely enlightening and energizing! Not only did she dispel my misconceptions concerning CliftonStrengths, more importantly, she pointed the way to help me return to who I am – I had an amazing grand revelation of why I had made certain decisions in the past. The session with Grace helped me access a new language to name the strengths that drive me. 

In her gentle yet assertive way, Grace pointed out some struggles I had experienced. She gave me very concrete suggestions on how I could work on those areas by leaning on my other strengths. She also led me to consider how my strengths could be paired together so they could flourish. These ideas were new to me and by reflecting upon them was extremely life giving. 

I really think every professional should have a strengths coach like Grace – she has effectively integrated her knowledge on strengths and background training in counselling to cater to individual needs, and intuitively point out not just strengths areas but caution areas too!”           - N.Wong, 52

I invite you to discover your strengths with me as your strengths coach. It does make a difference – because it is empowering and compassionate. It is about knowing your strengths and developing yourself according to your unique talents blueprint. Invest in yourself today.

One Year Anniversary Thanksgiving

A year ago, I started my own private practice after more than 20 years of employment as a social worker or therapist with various social services organisations. I would have never imagined myself starting a business, especially one that is related to counselling. And here I am - a year of new experience, adventure and fulfilment. 

My experience as a freelance therapist allows me to provide a more personalised therapy, strengths coaching and clinical supervision to my clients with greater flexibility and regularity as compared to when I was practicing with other organisations. Yet at the same time, I have to acquire new skill sets such as website design and marketing.  

The new learning curves were steep but also exciting. I am not a business person at heart. Hence, the toughest part for me is the journey of making the business sustainable and learning to trust in the process. The best and most fulfilling part is the journey with each of my clients and supervisees, facilitating emotional, relational and vocational wellness and growth. The joy of using my professional skills and who I am to serve my clients and better their lives. This is what made the journey so meaningful and worthwhile. It feels like I am going to love doing this for a long time. 

I want to celebrate my first year anniversary, commemorating the beautiful things I experienced, the resilience and growth I have the honour of witnessing. Here are some of my clients’ words that I want to share in celebration of human resilience and also the craft and trade of counselling. 

“Through the counselling, I became more aware of what contributed to my sense of helplessness. Grace’s skills in listening, asking relevant questions and paraphrasing some of my comments helped me reflect on my tendency to feel unnecessarily burdened. Her analysis of my emotional reactions and feedback to me was helpful for me to see how I could cope better with such situations.” 

“The counselling process helped me see things more clearly from a different viewpoint. I was able to discuss my early years experiences and explore how these experiences affect my current situation.” 

“The counselling sessions have prompted me to think through my emotion towards certain situation and possible causes of such emotion.”

“Counselling provided me with a safe environment where I could share and work out complex emotional problems with an experienced professional.” 

“The counselling sessions helped me make sense of the complex emotions that I experienced. The sessions also provided me with useful advice on how to manage my emotions in a healthy way without causing additional stress or anxiety to my family, friends and colleagues.”

“There were challenging periods of my life when counselling has provided me a safe space to process my inner thoughts and co-regulate my emotions. I do find going for counselling has helped me enhance my psychological (mental and emotional) resilience.”

I invite you to read their full testimonials on my website’s testimonial page. There, you would also read more about my clients’ experience and affirmation of me as their Counsellor. I feel encouraged and blessed. Beyond these posted testimonials, there are many more written and spoken affirmations stored within my heart’s treasure chest – from my current clients and clients from before. 

I want to thank my clients, for being vulnerable and yet so resilient. I am encouraged by their openness to change and grow through counselling, and blessed by their generosity to offer affirmation. Through their voice, my clients also taught me to be a better counsellor. I want to continue to be and grow in being a counsellor who facilitate for them the experience of - “the confidence to talk about things in a deeper way, not just on the surface”; “feeling counsellor ‘got me’ in a way that I felt heard, understood and supported”; “the strength and courage to take stock, and to make necessary decisions”. 

My anniversary celebration and thanksgiving would not be whole without thanking my community of love. My family who has given me the trust and freedom to pursue my vocation and even this different path as a freelancer. My friends’ encouragement and support in the past year which meant a lot to me – from the very beginning when two dear friends first mooted the possibility and idea of private practice. And many other friends who believed in me and recommended or referred clients to me. My heartfelt appreciation to each of you. 

When I left my full time job last year, it was a big transition for me. As with most transitions and changes, uncertainties and doubts would find its way in. God’s word comforted and anchored me: 

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; Yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil – that is the gift of God.” - Ecc 3: 11-13

I am thankful for God’s gift. For the past year, I have been happy and I have done good, finding satisfaction through my vocation.