My Story of Saying “No”

I have gleaned precious lessons from saying “no” to seemingly good things in my vocational journey. The experience of saying “no” forged my vocational clarity and direction.  It has shaped my vocational direction significantly and for the better. It started with saying “no” to being promoted to a managerial position.

I was in my late 20s. I stood in to be an acting centre manager for a year. I was reluctant initially, but relented in view of the centre’s need and my wonderful team of colleagues, whom I felt compelled to take care then. Looking back, it was an eventful, stressful and meaningful year packed with rich learnings and memorable moments. At the end of the year, I was offered to continue the managerial role but I said “no”. This was my first “no”. Soon after, I was introduced to CliftonStrengths by a friend. I remembered asking her at a lunch chat, “why did I not like being a manager though I was given feedback that I did a good job?” Looking at my top 5 strengths then, she was not surprised. She highlighted how my responsibility strength has shown up actively and how my other relationship building and executing strengths helped me grow into the role. However, the managerial role also sapped my energy and drained the greater joy I used to derive as a direct practitioner. I discovered how my other strengths would feel more alive as a counsellor than as a manager. 

You know what? After I am convinced it is ok to say no, I got better at saying no thereafter.

Fast forward a few years, at another centre, I was offered a promotion to the position of a centre manager. This time, I was clearer and the conviction felt so good! At that season, my love for counselling work has also grown. I felt my heart’s call to direct counselling work was so anchored that I wouldn’t want to trade anything else for it. I remembered the executive director and chairman even negotiated, “what if you could still keep 30% of client work?” to which I responded, “I am greedy, 30% would not be enough for me.” 

Looking back, while I was privileged to be offered the progression at least twice in my career, what I learnt from this is also that our employers and bosses do not always know best. Their priority was to fill in the needs of the organisation. They may evaluate that I am able to fill in the role but they actually do not know me and where I may be at my best. Sadly, staff development in most organisations, as much as it may start with good intention, the implementation and practice of which may not always be customised to individual staff. Reflecting on this, I felt a bittersweet feeling. I felt compassion for myself - that I have come a long way, fought hard and made sacrifices to pursue my own growth and development. The journey had not always been easy and certainly not always fair. The distinction between clinical path and management was not so developed then, and often opportunities were given to those progressing in the management roles.

I recalled how a colleague was offered a counselling course though she did not even like counselling. I noticed how several colleagues in the field were given opportunity and funding to pursue therapy related study despite their non-clinical portfolio. In the end, what they ended up doing may not tap on the therapy related skills and knowledge. In contrast, I had to proactively seek out my training and development needs. Looking back, how I wished there were someone who knew my strengths and inclinations and cared to develop me. Perhaps then, the journey would be less hard than it had been. 

At the same time, I felt a sense of relief! Had I not taken this harder path and pursued my own learning and development, imagine how lost and unfulfilled I would be now. I might gain an impressive curriculum vitae but it would be hollow. I am proud of myself being able to navigate the field, staying focused on who I am rather than what the world needs more of me to become for them. The world’s expectations, needs and social norms would always exert pressures on you. But you can choose to remain centred and not be pulled in. You can take charge of your own development, guided by who you are, what you like and how you would like to develop. That’s how you would experience vocational fulfilment and joy. 

Pursuing what I love doing has been so rewarding. It might seem like I had chosen the “lesser path”, given up financial and career progression, but I have not once regretted. It has been so worthwhile! It was the best choice I have made, saying “no” to what seems good so I could pursue something that is the best for me and for whom I serve. I invite you to do the same. And if you are a supervisor or a boss, would you offer that customised approach to know your staff’s strengths and help them reach their best version of themselves according to their design and strengths. 

What about you?

Do you need to say “yes” or “no” but feeling unsure? 

If you are at a crossroad and have to make a choice, remember to choose you. You are made with your unique blend of strengths. Use them so you would feel happier and offer the best version of who you are at work and at home.

Invitation 

CliftonStrengths is a powerful assessment tool to know your strengths so you can be more of who you are. I have experienced it to be a personalised way to help one make choices in life. 

If you would like a conversation with me as your strengths coach or therapist, feel free to contact me for an appointment. To know more about me and what I do, visit  www.counsellingwithgrace.sg.